So, as all you GRITS know, the February meeting of the Black Coalition just occurred. It was a great meeting, and though it started twenty minutes late, we got a lot done. There are a lot of minutes to go over, but I think it’s important that we get the big and controversial topic out of the way. This month’s meeting was focused on what the Black Coalition would be willing to accept in exchange for Black History Month. While we all know that Black History Month is truly invaluable, we also know we are tired of hearing white people (and other non-black people of color, to be honest) complain that we’re the only ones having all the fun, and we might as well see what we could get out of a deal. It was a long and arduous process, but we’ve narrowed the list down to five things we’d accept in place of Black History Month.
- A Permanent Ban on Crunchy Collard Greens Recipes
- White people keep thinking they’ve discovered things people of color have known about for years (like collard greens, or America) and we’re tired of it. After Whole Foods suggested we all put peanuts in our collard greens and we calmed down our aunties, we decided it would be worth it to give up black history month if all of our recipes, from potato salad to collard greens, were given protection from white folks by being designated as historical landmarks .
- Unlimited Free Beyonce Tickets
- This one might be a little difficult to work out, but Beyonce has confirmed that she’s willing to cooperate with us. If white people would be willing to ban all the white children who are rich enough to go to see Beyonce but only know the words to Irreplaceable, there would be just enough tickets left at every stop on the tour for all black people to go see the Queen. They know they don’t have a negro nose. Of course, your cousin who is really into respectability politics objected, but the Hive took care of that.
- Free Fair Trade Coconut Oil and Shea Butter
- Since we as a people rediscovered the beauty of our natural hair, we’ve also remembered the magic of products like shea butter, coconut oil, and edge control (ok, I don’t think we ever forgot that last one.) If the US government would be willing to compensate every auntie in Ghana who’s doing the Lord’s work of providing organic and unrefined shea butter to us for free, we could start talking about coming down to a Black History Week.
- One Year Exclusive Rights to the Newest Dance Moves
- Let’s face it, the nae nae and the whip are dead. Silento dug the grave, but the ten thousand vines of mediocre white cross country teams hitting the most offbeat whip you’ve ever seen in your life pushed the trend six feet under. Now we’ve got the dab, and it’s not going to last long if we don’t take action to protect it. We also want exclusive strolling rights for the Divine Nine now that Gabby's friend, the White Kappa is a thing.
- Gabby and I couldn't decide if we prefered the Tracy Clayton or the Ta-nehisi Coates plan better, but either way, this needs no explanation.
At the end of the day, we know we won’t be able to get rid of Black History or Black History Month, no matter what they offer us, but it’s nice to dream of all the things that we could have. See y’all next month in the back of the barbershop, and don’t be late.